Embarrassing myself in Thailand: Top 5 (because there are so many)

What would a cultural experience be without the horrific blunders that often pair with a study abroad? Well, after three months traveling I have racked up quite a list of these embarrassing bloopers. I've picked my top 5 to share with my loyal readers whom I hope will find enjoyment and a laugh.

1. How to scare the S@#T out of the worker at a smoothie stand:

Did you really just order that?

Many people don't know that Thai is a tonal language meaning there are many words that are spelled very similar but changing the inflection of a word can vastly change the meaning of the word.

I learned very quickly that the word for penis and the word for banana are WAY TO CLOSE!!!

gluayF

noun

[general] banana, genus Musa

khuayM

colloquial, vulgar

[extremely vulgar word for penis used typically by Thai males in cursing another male irritator]

So when I asked the nice lady "Aw khuay pan ka?" May I have a BANANA shake? SHE HEARD "May I have a penis shake." Her stunned face and the snickers behind me followed one of the most embarrassing moments of my life!

Round of applause for Donielle. Way to make everyone uncomfortable!

2. How to make the maids think you're an alien (or an octopus):

Awww...you guys made me ink!!!

I like to journal at night and try to write something everyday. One night after a long night out on the town with friends I stumbled into my room when I realized I hadn't written anything for that day. I grab my new ink pen and my notebook and jotted down a few lines before I seemingly passed out, pen and notebook in hand.

I woke up late and hurriedly got ready for a 9am class (yes, that is early for me). I was making my way out the door and down the street when a friend saw me and asked me if I got a tattoo on my thigh. I looked down and saw a black-blueish mark about 12 inches long down the back of my leg. It seriously looked like I had peed black down my leg. Flustered, I went home to change and realized my ink pen had exploded all over my bed. Right. By. My. Butt.

I'm sure the maids now think I am some Alien who pees black ink. Maybe that's why they avoid me in the halls now.

3. OUCH!

My friends and I have been exploring on motorbikes for the past two months. I feel safe driving but accidents happen, no really, they happen all the time. I don't know anyone here who doesn't have a little mishap with a bike. They can be serious like ending up bruised and broken after hitting a parked car and fumbling over 10 bikes (all while not wearing a helmet) to leaving the keys in the ignition for three hours and having to tow it to a garage just to have them kickstart it for you!! But none of my study abroad group is without a little killjoy accident.

Mine wasn't too bad but it sure did LOOK bad. Basically I parked my bike at school too close to another bike. When I got off I put my foot down and my leg stood against the hot engine of the bike next to me. At first is wasn't bad but then it turned into a gnarly blister that I now show my friends to watch their faces say "ewww..." It's personal enjoyment that I must share with the world.

That thing!

=

Bart the Blister

4. Getting lost is something that goes hand in hand with traveling. It's even more fun on the first day of school when you take the wrong shuttle! Of course when this happens its easy to get off at the next stop and walk or find the right shuttle but when the driver speaks only Thai and we speak only English we didn't know where we were going! Every few seconds...maybe we should get off...maybe he's going to pull around back up to the humanities building....maybe we should get off and ask...we could walk from here....maybe if we keep talking someone on the shuttle will speak english and offer help...at least we are seeing campus...at least we are together...should we still go to class....its been 30 minutes...ok we should get off...let's get off...tell him to stop...we'll ask someone...oh god....we are on the other side of campus...we are never getting back...now what?

We made it to class...only 45 minutes late...nice....

5. ALWAYS WEAR SPANKIES, ALWAYS.

It was a beautiful morning when I got dressed and left my apartment to start the thirty minute walk to school. I plugged in my earphones and started listening to the peaceful sounds of my favorite artist. With a hop in my step and upturned lips I put my sun glasses on and enjoyed the morning air. I wore my backpack and I felt a beautiful breeze, which looking back now, should have seemed odd. I walked down the long street and crossed the main road, traffic zooming with cars, motorcycles and taxis. After about 15 minutes of walking I passed the coffee shops and turned at the old clock tower. A motorbike passed holding three young boys who laughed and pointed in my direction. Strange, I thought. My white skin stands out but I cannot help that I am tall and western, I cannot hide it. I thought the boys actions towards me very rude but tried to brush off their mocking. I concentrated on my music, turned up the volume, breathed deep and continued to class. I walked for another 10 or so minutes passed the Economics building where students were parked and talking, the Sociology building and the Mathematics building.

Donielle walking to school with her skirt worn correctly....

It wasn't until I got to the student store that a girl on a motorbike stopped close to me and called to me. I took out my earphones as she exclaimed, "YOUR SKIRT, YOUR SKIRT!" I looked down as she rushed to pull the back of my skirt out of my spandex shorts. I HAD WALKED 30 MINUTES WITH MY SKIRT IN MY SPANKIES!!!! My bright blue spankies. People may have been yelling at me but I was wearing my HEADPHONES!! I was so embarrassed and walked flushed to class not even having friends to share in my experience. Mortified. I have never been so happy for spankies in my life. If it had just been my underwear it would have been a completely different story, I could have gotten arrested for indecent exposure! Although at least someone would have stopped me sooner, even if it was a policeman!

Great Donielle. Great. Smooth.

Songkran Festival: Four Day Citywide Water Fight!

Boys of Songkran
Photo by Ashley Vega

I pick up my gun and start running. Drenched in water I hear every squish of my shoes as they splash in the bubbly water below me. I swerve around the herds of people that stand in every square inch of Chiang Mai's Old City moat. I hear screaming and laughing but must keep jogging, no time to look back. I am out of ammo. I am a sitting duck, an open target. I see it. The large bin of water where I can seek refuge and refill my Avengers themed squirt gun, a long-range 5000 model I call, "you need to start running". I dodge the cars and duck behind carts selling sweet corn and cold drinks, water guns and buckets. I reach the container and let out an incredible sigh of relief as a take off my pack and start twisting the cap. Suddenly, an ice cold flow of water streams down the top of my head, down my neck and shoulders and to my bare ankles. I hear myself gasp in anguish. I turn to see a group of Thai teenagers with empty buckets, snickering with wide grins at my demise. "Sawati pi mi krop!" they say, "Happy New Year!" I return the well wishes will a sigh of defeat and begin filling my pack, being careful to watch which direction they walk. This is WAR and VENGEANCE is mine!!!

The Crowds of Songkran
Photo Credit Fou Linh Saechao

Songkran in Old City Chiang Mai
Photo Credit Fou Linh Saechao

Songkran Festival is the most unique cultural celebration I have ever seen. It is Thai New Year (it's the year 2556 in Thailand) and for four days the city explodes into a water fight unlike any thing you've ever seen. No one is off-limits. The old, the young, the motorcyclists, people in taxis, people on the street, people with water guns, people without water guns and the people trying their hardest to run away and not get hit. ESPECIALLY the people trying to not get hit, they are the MOST fun to attack.

INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO WIN A WATER FIGHT:

Prepare a STAKE OUT OPERATION where you stand by the side of the road and wait for motorcyclists to pass at which point you burst out from the bushes and spray them with your water guns!
FACE SHOT= 30 points with ICE WATER = 60
IF THEY HIT ANOTHER VEHICLE
BECAUSE YOU SHOT THEM IN THE FACE= TRIPLE POINTS!
These kids know what they are doing!
Photo Credit: Fou Linh Saechao

Make friends with someone who has a truck. Ride around in the truck with lots of tall people and many buckets of ammo and guns. SHOOT EVERYONE AROUND YOU.
Including your own team if they get lazy!!!
 PEOPLE WHO AREN'T LOOKING = 40 Points
ICE COLD WATER = 80 Points

The ways of a good fighter allow for some breaks with friends.
BUT DO NOT LOOSE SIGHT OF THE GOAL.
 YOU ARE A KILLING MACHINE!!

The Farang Dance
Photo Credit: Fou Linh Saechao
Act like you are dancing and then suddenly shoot everyone around you!
DON'T FORGET TO STOP DANCING AND SHOOT EVERYONE AROUND YOU!

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS PUSH YOUR FRIENDS INTO THE MOAT.
LOSERS

WINNERS

Into Battle
Photo Credit Natalie Ferri
Most importantly, ACT LIKE YOU ARE WINNING BY WALKING AWAY LIKE A BOSS

Of course if you lose you can always say you weren't trying to win, in that winey know-it-all voice, and say you were there to experience the cultural side of Songkran. Here are some notes:

Thai Dancers
Photo Credit: Fou Linh Saechao

The tradition of Songkran traces back to the pre-Buddist rituals of spring festivals where the throwing of water was meant as a symbol of luck to bring good rain for the crops. It was later converted to the religious custom of cleansing the statues of Buddha once a year. In many places there are parades with the statues of Buddha and as the parades pass, crowds shower the Buddha with water.

The festival lasts for 4 days. 

Day 1: Maha Songkran Day is the first day of the celebrations which marks the end of the old year. Day 2: April 14, Wan Nao is the day between the ending of the old year and the beginning of the new year when foods are prepared for the temples. 

Day 3: April 15, is Wan Thaloeng Sok - the day on which the New Year begins 

Day 4: On the last day, Wan Parg-bpee, the ancestors and elders are honored. 

Water fights are held citywide every day except Day 4, respect your elders kids!

Foam parties are cultural, right?? We met new Thai friends, that counts.

Watched a giant wet Thai concert where we pretended to sing along....in Thai. I'd say we really participated.

Don't worry there is time to experience all the cultural oddities that fill Songkran, enjoy the shenanigans and kick some ass at water fighting!!!

For more info on this awesome holiday my friends made a video:

by Fou Saechao

http://vimeo.com/64151232

Video by Ashley Vega

&

Video by Natalie Ferri

Photo Credits to Ashley Vega, Natalie Ferri and Fou Linh Saechao

The Colors of a Market: Photo Journey of a Thai Food Market

When I enter the busy Boriboon food market in Chiang Mai I am overcome with the simultaneous emotions of exploration and passion combined with shear and utter fear that I'll miss something, I'll pass something great for no other reason than my mind was not quick enough to grasp all my surroundings. My eyes are searching and scanning, gasping at the completely foreign items that explode each sense. 

I find myself in utter curiosity about such oddities that surround me. It's only when a Thai woman says, "Sabaaydi mi ka?" do I realize that I've been staring at a cucumber the size of my calf for several strange seconds deep in thoughts about how all my previous knowledge about cucumbers has been destroyed by this single moment in the Thai food market. I stop in complete fascination in such a small idea. I laugh, "They're vegetables, Donielle, hold yourself together." 

"Chinese" apples ,very fresh watery taste perfect for these hot days!

Dragon fruit! I said to myself, "There is no way that something with a name like dragon fruit could taste bad!" haha I stand corrected. Not my favorite.

Some foods will always be a mystery. This exotic fruit is called...to be continued.

The mangos here are incredible, I try to eat some weekly, I never ever want to not be eating a mango.

Papayas are often eaten unripe like in Spicy Papaya Salad

Interesting enough there are not many oranges here but many tangerines! When you buy orange juice here you'll be surprised by the taste because it's made from tangerines!

Large selection of potato and squash chips

I love coconut.  If we really are what we eat than I want to eat more coconut. Coconuts are delicious. I want a friend of mine to be at a dinner party and say,"You should really meet my friend, Donielle" "What's she like?" "Well, I don't know, I guess you'd say she has a delicious kind of personality, like that of a coconut." "Wow, she sounds great, I love coconut." One day...

Food is sometimes wrapped and cooked inside of a banana leaf to give it great flavor! Yum!

The meat section, yes, I no longer eat beef and only limited pork. Haha bacon doesn't count...do I look like I have that kind of discipline? No.

Yummy greens!

Yes, those are milliworms. My friend tried one, although I personally was not brave enough. After chewing on the substance my eyes peeled on his face waiting for a wince or a gag. He only replied, "huh, not my favorite." He said they tasted fried on the outside but soft in the middle. Yeah, I'll pass.

Thailand also has great mushrooms! I used to hate mushrooms. But that was when I was in America, I feel like I don't even know that person anymore. She didn't like mushrooms? No friend of mine...

What would Thailand be without the infamous peppers? You hate them, you love them, it doesn't really matter, you'll never escape them.

Longest string beans ever. ever.

You've never had a banana. You've never had a banana if you didn't have one in Thailand. There are over 100 varieties of native bananas which is mind blowing. You could eat a new banana everyday for over three months!! New bucket list goal? Yes.

Now that's organic chicken.

I told you that cucumber was the size of my calf! dude, if that doesn't blow your mind, I don't know what will.

Into the Mind: a two-day meditation retreat at Wat U-Mong

Although mostly misunderstood as a boho trance where participants are expected to sit cross-legged surrounded by incense and hum something like "ohmm," meditation is a practice that helps with clarity and perception and is, in my opinion, the most underused tool we have to deal with stress.

When I begin to talk with others about meditation I often hear, "My mind is just too fast to not think about anything." For some reason everyone seems to think that they have a mind unlike others and although some can create a blankness, there is just no way that their mind could settle like that. Meditation is hard for everyone, we all have crazy minds that are constantly incorporating the past, present and future on top of hopes, dreams, perceptions, feelings ect. ect. Sorry to spill the beans, but your mind is not unique.

To fill your mind with nothingness would be an achievement for the highest meditation followers. For the rest of us, we start small. The goal is to think of the present only and when your mind, naturally, falls to the past memories or future hopes you gradually, without grief, return your mind to the present.  It's about listening to the mind. Using your mind as a tool, that you control. Instead of letting the mind control you. It's about being mindful no matter what you're doing. Meaning you're not letting the brain wonder to what you ate last week or what you'd do if you saw your nemesis at a party. It's about being present. If you're doing homework, you are sitting and doing homework. If you are putting on makeup, you are thinking about putting on your makeup. When you're eating you are thinking about how and what you're eating; not of something else that makes you accidentally bite your tongue or cheek because your mind was somewhere else. It should be practiced throughout all times, in every thing one is doing, observing the movements of the body, feeling and mind-objects in each present moment. Meditators should mindfully meditate on external objects; visible objects, sound, smell, taste and touch. Thereby the energies of concentration and wisdom can be developed.

These are all things I learned this past weekend when I arrived at Wat U-Mong. A Wat close to my house known for the turtles that swim around the lake and tunnels that connect the ornate shrines. My Thai friend used to be a monk there and recommended the International Meditation Center organized by the Wat.

We were met early on Saturday morning by a monk nicknamed "Haus" who liked to do a Minnesotan accent and whose laugh lit up every inch of his face, making it completely impossible to not laugh at everything he said. He gave us a white outfit to wear, a blanket, a pillow and a schedule for the next two days. We headed to our rooms; they were completely empty with no furnishings but were equipped with a fan that would later become my favorite luxury in the scorching summer heat. We took a mat to sleep on the ground (O.K I grabbed three) and made up our beds before returning downstairs just in time for group mediation. Here is the schedule we were to follow:

5:00am- Wake Up
5:30-7:00am Group Meditation
7:00-7:20am Cleaning
7:30-8:00am Breakfast
8:00-9:00am Relaxation
9:00-11:15am Group Meditation
11:30-12:00pm Lunch
12:00-1:30pm Relaxation
1:30-3:00pm Group Meditation
3:00-3:15pm Tea Break
3:15-4:30pm Group Meditation
4:30-6:00pm Breaking Time
6:00-7:30pm Group Meditation
7:30-7:45pm Tea Break
7:45-9:00pm Group Meditation
9:00pm Bedtime

Sounds awesome, huh? I don't believe in any time that is before 7:00am. Not in my vocabulary. Truly, it's unnatural. But I decided to give it all a try and follow the rules, here are the eight presents we had to follow while participating in the retreat.

1. Refrain from killing.
2. Refrain from stealing.
3. Refrain from sexual activities.
4. Refrain from false speech, malicious speech, harsh speech and frivolous speech. In general, all meditators should maintain silence at all times.
5. Refrain from all intoxicants.
6. Refrain from eating after midday.
7. Refrain from sensual entertainment or bodily adornment. Meditators should not read, write or listen to music and should wear white, simple and modest clothing.
8. Refrain from sleeping in high and luxurious couches.

The hardest things for me was not eating after midday and killing. No really, it was hard not to kill. Sometimes we meditated outside and I luckily got the spot next to one of the many ant hills in the garden. Usually I flick those suckers off without thinking. Buddhism teaches us that we, as humans, just as ants and other creatures, are made of earth, we are the same and should not kill just as we would not want to be killed. Easy to say, hard to practice when they're crawling up your damn leg.

I began meditating on external things the visible objects, sound, smell, taste and touch and then began practicing other forms of meditation such as breathing concentration, generosity meditation and death meditation.

Breathing Concentration:
Breathing meditation is when you focus on the breath to clear the mind. My favorite is to imagine the breath a certain color (green, yellow or red) and imagine breathing in this colored air, having it fill your body and then exhale it into the room again and again.

Generosity Meditation:
It's certainly one of my favorites but it always makes me cry. You begin by thinking of the love a mother gives. Your mother sacrificed so much for you and you imagine each of the ways your mother has cared and loved you. You then return this love to people you know, people you don't know and then to the whole world, anonymously. I cry when I think of how lucky I am to have amazing parents, how supportive and endless their love for me is.

Death Meditation:
It's very important to be constantly thinking about death. In a book I recently read, The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman he explores the idea that much of our lives are dedicated to ignoring or being irrationally fearful of death. Our avoidance of death is one of the foundations of unhappiness. So this weekend I decided to meditate on death, specifically on a visual that Burkeman introduces in his book. You are to imagine yourself at 80 years old, wrinkly, blinded, deteriorating. While sitting in your Lazy-Boy, as all 80 year olds do, you are to fill in the following sentence, "I wish I spent more time....." and "I wish I spent less time...".

Due to this meditation and many other reasons I've decided to change my career goals to work in an environment doing something I love. Therefore, I am changing my major. I know business is not right for me and want to follow a different passion, english literature. I know I would "wish I spent more time building a life I can enjoy."

So THANKS meditation retreat for the clarity and life perspective.